The Light at the End of the Tunnel
by getsmart99
Summary: After Patton goes away, Amanda finds herself lost and in pain about what happened. The past is finally catching up to her and she doesn't know who to turn to and is too afraid to say anything. However, in times of need, people who care will always show up to help. Even when a new hard case erupts, something always comes out of it.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Amanda Rollins stared straight ahead at the clock on the wall counting the hours, minutes, and seconds that it had been since Charles Patton had been stopped for good. The look he had given her as he was led out; straight into her blue eyes trying to make her feel like she had still lost. Amanda knew she had won; and the other girls, too, but Amanda still blamed herself. It was now lunch and the precinct was filling with the chatter of lunch break.

"Hey Rollins," Fin called out as Carisi and him walked into Amanda's view.

"What?" Amanda said quickly with her blonde hair flying over her shoulder as her head turned snapping out of her daze.

"We picked up some meatball sandwiches from down the street," Fin replied.

"We got one for you," Carisi said placing a tin trapped sandwich on her desk.

Usually, Amanda would have happily taken the sandwich and scarfed it down while laughing with the boys, but today the smell was making her nauseous with the slight stinch. Amanda's stomach was turning in circles and she knew she had to get away. Amanda stood up quickly as her eyes went a little blotchy as her head spinned.

"I'm not really feeling hungry right now y'all," Amanda said trying to look sorry.

"We'll make sure you eat something soon, Rollins," Olivia said walking up behind them eyeing Amanda with a stern look before heading to her office.

"Yep. I'm just gonna go freshen up. I'll be right back," Amanda said forcing her lips to tilt up.

"Are you all good?" Fin asked with a look that a dad would give their kid.

"Yep," Amanda said shaking her head low.

Amanda started heading off to the bathroom, but as she turned the corner she caught a glance at her boss in her office. Olivia was staring at her with her eyes slightly squinted and eyebrows arched; the look she always had when she was reading someone or trying to figure something out. Amanda quickly ducked her head back around as her face flushed red. Amanda pushed herself into the small bathroom and immediately placed her hands on the sides of the sink and drew in a shaky breath. Amanda raised her head and looked at herself in the mirror. She had tried to conceal the darkness around her eyes, but you could still see the darkness coming through..Her lips were chapped from the blistering cold wind of January. Amanda could feel her body burning up as her breath thickened. She felt hands tightening on her wrists holding her down and pressure being applied against her back. Amanda blinked and looked back at the mirror seeing Patton behind her with his twisted smile. Amanda blinked again and he was gone. She panted heavily as eyes became glossy. She quickly wiped her eyes and swung herself around until her body was pressed against the heavy door. She slid down to the ground as she hands shook as she reached into her pocket. She pulled out her keyring that had a small switchblade on it. Amanda began flipping it over and over and her heart pounded and hands shook. Amanda's shirt had pushed up so her stomach was showing. Her mind raced as she felt the blade press down against the skin, and then again, and again. Amanda let out a shaky breath that was still filled with relief. She felt cool again. Amanda stood up and held her shirt up looking at what she had done. There were three lines with cool blood running down. "Shit" Amanda thought. What had she done? It had been years and years since she had ever done this to the point where all the scars had faded to nonexistence. Amanda quickly grabbed toilet paper from the stall and cleaned the the cuts. They were still bleeding after about ten minutes and she could see they went pretty deep through the skin. She quickly took a deep breath and let her shirt fall back down before turning with a push of the door and went back in.

"You good?" Carisi said eyeing her after noticing the blonde's eyes were more red than before.

"Yeah, fine," Amanda said smiling. She returned to her desk and began filing away some of the papers and getting back to finishing reports from all the many cases she had worked this week. She looked around seeing no one was giving her any strange looks, including Olivia who was walking around her office on the phone. Amanda went back to work for another 1.5 hours until she heard someone call out her name.

"Rollins," Olivia called. The blonde didn't turn. "Rollins."

"Oh, yeah," Amanda said. "Sorry, I was really into the work."

"How about you take the rest of today off," Olivia said while leaning out of the office door.

"I'm fine serge," Amanda said back. "I want to be here working."

"Suit yourself," Olivia said with a shrug.

"Seriously?" Carisi said. "I would love to be told that. I would take any time I could get off with this job."

"I enjoy working," Amanda said with a stern face while still working on her computer.

"You are just like Liv," Fin said with a chuckle. "You can never leave the work."

Amanda chuckled under her breath. She was nothing like Olivia.


	2. Chapter 2

Later that day, Amanda was still working away with the other detectives until Olivia stepped out of her office.

"Rollins," Olivia called quickly getting the blonde's attention. "I need to see you in my office now."

Amanda got up; slightly wincing from the pain of the cuts, hung head low and she made her way over with her parteners heads watching her.

"Close the door," Olivia said.

Amanda complied with a roll of the eyes, "What you want serge?"

"How are you holding up?" Olivia asked with a lighter tone that caught Amanda off guard.

Amanda shrugged, "Fine like normal."

"Rollins," Olivia sighed, "The man who assaulted you and so many others just was sentenced. Come on; I know it's not all fine in there. I know what it's like. I've been through this."

"Well I'm not you," Amanda said back sharply. "It's all fine. If I would have come out with it earlier, then no one would have had been assaulted. It's on me still. I could have said no."

"Rollins," Olivia sighed, "Stop blaming yourself."

"I'm not," Amanda said back. "It's the truth. I'm trained in this. I know how to get out of these situations."

"Amanda," Olivia said catching the younger detective off guard by the use of her first name. "Please. Just please listen. I want you to go talk to my therapist. I think it will be helpful. It may help you a lot with this. You may think it's all fine, but please-"

"I'm not talking to your shrink," Amanda exclaimed cutting off the older detective. Without thinking she pulled her shirt down to make sure nothing was seen. "Y'all think I'm messed up now or like hurt by this. I'm not. Can y'all just leave me alone. Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. I promise."

"Well," Olivia said pausing and looking her younger detective straight in the eyes. "How about you prove that to me by talking to my therapist to show you are okay."

Amanda bit her bottom lip she she shook her head and her eyes darted all around the room. She hated being outsmarted.

"Fine," Amanda responded.

"Okay," Olivia smiled happy she had won. "Dr. Lindstrom plans to see you tonight at five. Don't be late."

Olivia handed Amanda a card with the information on it as the young detective shook her head and walked out of the room.

"Everything fine?" Finn asked.

"Yep," Amanda nodded before going back to work.

Everyone filed out of the office early that day. Everyone excited to leave; except Amanda. She slowly pulled her coat over her shoulder and gave a look at her boss's office one last time to see Olivia still reading over papers. Amanda rolled her eyes and headed out. It did not take her much time to find the office and she slowly made her way into the waiting room. It was rather dim in there reminding Amanda of the lighting in a bar. Drinking sounded fine to her right now. Amanda couldn't sit down. She didn't want to talk to anyone, let them in, destroy her into fragile pieces. She paced around a few more steps and then quickly grabbed the doorknob and headed back out onto the busy streets. It was completely dark out as Amanda made her way to the nearest bar she knew too well. Amanda made her way in and spotted an empty seat at the far back away from all of the laughing people around her. She sluggishly pulled herself into the chair and looked up.

"What do you want?" a young bartender asked.


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia sat at her desk blankly staring at the files that lay in front of her. It was getting late and the other detectives had already headed out; most of them still managing to smile and joke after the dark work. That was everyone, except Amanda. Charles Patton was done and couldn't hurt any other women again; but as Olivia knew, there were still too many scars to count cover Amanda. The detective had been so stubborn and defensive; not wanting to let her walls down around her superior earlier. Olivia expected it would go the way it went earlier with all the "I'm fine. My fault" cards Amanda had played earlier. Amanda had so many traits that made her great at her job, but were still pushing her personal problems to spiral. Olivia knew how it went with victims. She knew from herself, too. But still, Amanda was still her responsibility to watch over on the job; and having many more years of experience with the job and life, there were many times Olivia knew she would have to help her fellow detective with. Olivia grinned her teeth together with frustration. She had known something had happened to Amanda from very early on in their time working together, but she had never asked more. Just then, Olivia's phone rang and her body snapped out of it's frozen state.

"Olivia Benson, SVU," Olivia answered in her normal robotic response.

"Hi Liv, It's Peter Lindstrom," Olivia's therapist said.

"Oh, hi," Olivia responded with her eyebrows arching in concern. "Is everything okay?"

"The detective you sent to come see me, Amanda, isn't here," Lindstrom said. "I heard the waiting room door open and then a few minutes later some rustling and then the door opening and someone leaving. I believe it was Amanda."

"Yes, that sounds like her," Olivia said. "I figured as much she might do that. She was upset earlier when I brought it up."

"Do you want me to go looking for her?" Lindstrom asked.

"No," Olivia replied quickly. "You'd probably would scare her. There's a bar in the area that she likes and I figure that's where she is at. I can go find her and check in on her."

"Are you sure?" Lindstrom asked. "You have Noah."

"My babysitter was already planning to stay the night and watch him," Olivia responded. "It should all be fine. Thanks for letting me know."

"No problem," Lindstrom replied. "See you in a few days. Take care Liv."

"You too," Olivia said letting out a sigh as she hung up.

Olivia quickly gathered her things and bundled up in her coat as the weather was picking up for the worse with it being January. Olivia got into her car and pulled out and down the road to where the bar she was expecting to find Amanda at. Olivia walked through the cold hoping the blonde would be there and wasn't out and about for her own good. Olivia finally came across the bar and she opened the door and stepped into the warm bar that had people quietly talking as the smell of alcohol was hidden under the aroma of cigarette smoke and stale peanuts. Olivia looked around and out of the corner of her eye spotted Amanda sitting at the back of the bar alone with her coat falling off of her shoulders. Her eyes were blank and staring ahead at nothing with the bottle of beer to her lips,but not going in. Olivia quietly made her way back there.

"Amanda?" Olivia said quietly while taking a seat next to the younger detective.

"What?" Amanda said with a harsh tone without looking at Olivia.

"I got a call from Dr. Lindstrom saying you didn't show up," Olivia said. "Are you okay?"

"Obviously, you don't think I am," Amanda said taking a sip of beer. "Following me around. I can handle myself."

"What you went through is a lot," Olivia said. "And yes, I know you're not fine. Drinking, however, is not gonna help you right now."

Amanda let out a small chuckle and turned her head to face Olivias, "Oh and you are an expert now? Just leave me alone. I'm not one of your victims that you need to give the talk to."

"Amanda," Olivia paused, "I gave you a chance to go try to talk to someone about it and do it on your own. But you didn't and I am scared for you right now. I want you to be safe and okay."

"Well you know what. I am," Amanda said harshly at the older detective before walking off with her coat not fully on. "And why do you even care? You don't like or trust me."

Olivia quickly pulled out some cash and slammed it on the counter, "Thanks."

"Hey! Do you need me to call the cops or anything?" the young bartender asked while drying a glass.

"No. We are cops," Olivia replied arrogant tone before heading back into the cold. Olivia looked around as she spotted the bright blonde hair glowing under the bright streetlight of NYC. Olivia picked up her pace to a jog and called out with her breath frosting in the air, "Amanda"

Olivia slowed down and placed a hand on the younger detective's shoulder. Olivia's eyebrows were arched like how they always were when she was annoyed, but they were also full of concern and worry. Amanda spun around.

"What?" Amanda spit back at Olivia. She tried turning around, but Olivia's hands grasped onto Amanda's arms holding her in place.

"Please just listen to me," Olivia said her voice thick with desperation as her eyes grew wide.

Amanda shifted uncomfortably as she realized it would be hard to get away from the detective. She saw the look in Olivia's eyes; the one she always watched her give to the victims she talked to. Amanda lowered her head to stare at the ground; too afraid to look at Olivia when she spoke next.

"Amanda," Olivia said with so much compassion. "I know this is hard for you. I've been there twice now. I know what toll it takes on you. I never wanted to admit it when it happened and face the fact it was eating me alive. I know. I know you. I know I haven't always appeared like I cared, and I didn't always listen to you when you first got here. I know I made that mistake. But I know you never had it easy and I'm so scared watching you like this. We all are. Please, I just want you to be safe."

Amanda listened to her. Olivia could always talk to victims with caring tones, but this was different. It was personal, sincere, and maybe exactly what Amanda never expected, but wanted to hear. Amanda looked around; not really looking at anything, nodding profusely like she always did when she started feeling things or didn't know what to say or didn't want to admit anything. She just felt vulnerable. She had been trying to hide so much for all of these years and especially this week. This was just the right key for that door.

Olivia watched the younger detective as her eyes darted around and her lips pressed together as tightly as possible. She knew the younger detective to know this is how she acted when she felt vulnerable. Olivia could feel Amanda's arms loosening up under the grip of her hands. Olivia watched Amanda's face and she finally lifted her head up and her blue eyes glossy. Without thinking, Olivia pulled Amanda close to her and wrapped her arm around her holding her closely against her chest. Amanda quickly tensed up, but quickly relaxed and wrapped her arms around her superior. Olivia rocked her slightly back and forth as she felt the younger detective tightening her grip and holding onto her as tight as possible. Olivia listened as Amanda let out a slight whimper as silently cried onto Olivia's shoulder. After a minute, Amanda started to let go and pulled herself back with an embarrassed look on her face as a few stray tears sat on her cheeks that were red from the cold. Olivia looked at the younger detective before cupping her hands on Amanda's face to wipe away the stray tears.

"How about we get you home?" Olivia said softy.

"I can do it myself-," Amanda stopped herself realizing she wanted someone; anyone, around so nodded back silently.

Amanda started to turn to walk and Olivia pulled Amanda's coat up and around her body that was shivering. Olivia instinctively placed her hand on the small of Amanda's back and she led the young detective back to her car. Amanda was silent the whole way back to her apartment. She looked out the window and away from Olivia, but could still feel Olivia's protective expression glazing over at her.

"Can you stop looking at me," Amanda said harshly.

"Okay," Olivia said back softly not wanting to tread to deep after getting the younger detective to start to open up.

They arrived soon at the apartment and headed up as Amanda unlocked the door. As the walked in, Franny perked her head up from the couch upon seeing Amanda and quickly trotted over to her. Amanda bent down to pet Franny in almost a childlike way and Olivia grinned before looking around the place.

"Hey, Amanda," Olivia said softly. "I know you haven't really eaten today and I also know I haven't either. How about you go change into something a little more comfy and wash up, and I'll pull together some food.

Amanda nodded and started heading off to her room, but quickly stopped and looked down before glancing up at Olivia, "Thanks, Liv."

Olivia smiled back as Amanda turned and headed off toward her room and Olivia made her way through the kitchen pulling out some chicken noodle soup and heated it up on the fridge. After about ten minutes, the soup was done and Amanda had returned in an oversized NYPD sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"Hey," Olivia smiled. "Got some soup over here. Come join me on the couch."

Amanda made her way over; picking up her soup off of the table and sitting down to the detective next to her. They both ate in silence as Olivia tried to read Amanda who was looking straight ahead. After a few minutes, they were both done with the soup and Olivia picked up the bowls to take them to the sink. Amanda remained on the couch and pulled her legs up onto the couch with her chin resting on her knees. Olivia sat back down next to Amanda; looking her over as she could see the stillness in her eyes and her breathing picking up.

"Hey, Amanda," Olivia said gently while reaching out a hand and quickly brushing it over Amanda's shoulder. "Can you tell me what's going on inside your head."

Amanda shrugged and waited a few seconds and when she spoke her breath was heavy, " I...I...don't know."

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked quietly.

Amanda shrugged again and tried to speak, but nothing came out at first but when it did it was barely audible, "I guess...it's all like mixed together somehow. I don't know."

Olivia could see Amanda was beginning to shake and her breathing got heavier. Olivia scooted closer to Amanda and placed her hand on her shoulder and began rubbing soft circles against her.

"Amanda," Olivia said. "I think you're going into a panic attack. You need to breath for me. Can you do that?"

Amanda started to take deep breaths slowly while Olivia watched her. Olivia still saw her shaking and again scooted closer and began rubbing Amanda's back to comfort her. Olivia's heart ached as she looked at her younger coworker who always acted so strong finally beaking.

After about a minute, Amanda quietly whimpered, "Liv? I can't feel my hands."

"That's because your breathing has been off," Olivia spoke. She reached out with her free hand and took Amanda's hand in her own. Amanda was starting to breath. "That's good. You're safe here. Is there anything I can do to help?"

Amanda's lips were once again pressed tight together and she slowly rocked from one side to another. A few tears slowly were beginning to fall from her eyes, but she quickly wiped them away; hoping Olivia wouldn't notice. Amanda shrugged and quickly glanced over at Olivia who gave her a look that finally made Amanda really break. Slowly, tears began to fall and little whimpers escaped her lips. Amanda hated to admit it, but she was crying. Not just crying alone, but with her superior sitting right there. Olivia watched; but couldn't help it, and gently pulled Amanda against her. Olivia rested back against the couch as she felt Amanda curling as close as possible into Olivia's side. Olivia wrapped Amanda as tight as possible against her; trying to shield her from the rest of the world like she would do with Noah, and rested her chin on top of Amanda's head. Amanda didn't care at the point of being judged, for she felt as safe as she ever felt in the arms of the older detective. Amanda wasn't holding back, but after awhile her tears and crying died down to soft sniffles and tremors against Olivia. Amanda lay there in silence as Olivia pulled Amanda's hair off her face that was wet with tears and behind her ear, and placed a soft kiss on Amanda's forehead. Olivia smiled as she felt Amanda snuggle closer to her. Olivia ran circles on the small of Amanda's back and she felt the blonde's muscles slowly relax.

"Did anyone ever hold you like this when you were little?" Olivia asked quietly.

"Not really," Amanda whispered. "I didn't really have anyone, I guess. My parents were always gone and I had my sister, but I had to watch out for her."

"My mom was usually gone," Olivia nodded. "And I never knew my dad. Well, until a few years ago."

Amanda pulled back from Olivia with a questioning look.

"My mother," Olivia started and looked forwards and away from Amanda, "Well, she was an alcoholic. Not really around much. She never talked about my father, never." Olivia smirked. "I constantly wondered, and then a few years ago I found out. She had been raped and became pregnant with me. I found out through my father was through the job. It's funny how I got into this work and I'm a product of things I try to stop." She looked over at Amanda who's eyes were wide. "Well, now you know why I take everything so personally."

"I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda said feeling closer to Olivia.

"I mean we all have things that we don't talk about and not to many things other people know," Olivia said with a sad toothless grin. "Like you. Your parents, your sister, and your old captain. I always wonder how you held it together over these years. But the more I think about it, the more I realize you are so much like me. You're so resilient and strong. Stubborn for sure." That made Amanda chuckle. "Too afraid to be vaurable and tell people things, but still trying to always heal others. And I realize some of this is my fault. I remember you telling me something back when we were on that case in the psych ward. I just blew you off. I didn't say anything or ask again. I'm not sure if you would have told me, but still, I should have known to ask more. I'm sorry I didn't. I was just so upset that Eliot had left. I was mad no one told me and all of a sudden I was having to work with new people. I was just so mad at Eliot, but I ended up just taking it out on you and Carisi. I'm so sorry. It has killed me these past few days. Watching you break down over something I could have done something about a long time ago. And I can tell you that you need to let go, but it's hard. And I know you're probably mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you, Liv," Amanda said. "I promise."

"I know how hard it is," LIv smirked. "It's pure hell. But you are a fighter and you will get through all of it. And you have me, and the whole team. I know I appear sometimes like I don't care or you can't talk to me because I'm your superior, but I promise you I care. I care so much. I do want you to go back to see Dr. Lindstrom. He is very nice to talk to, and believe it or not, I had to be forced to go there. I wanted to run away at first, but now it's like I look forward to going sometimes. But we will cross that bridge when we get there. It will take time for it to all heal, but for now sometimes snuggles are just the best way to get through it."

Amanda nodded into Olivia's side and unballed herself. As she did so, Amanda's shirt came up revealing the fresh cuts. Amanda quickly pulled it down, but it wasn't fast enough for her superior to not notice. Amanda pulled away.

"Amanda," Olivia exclaimed. She knew what had happened but still asked, "What happened?"

Amanda quickly moved to the other side of the couch and curled into a ball, "Nothing. It's none of your business."

"Amanda, honey," Olivia started. "Please can you show me? I just want to make sure it's okay."

Amanda started to cry, "NO! I'm fine. It's all fine. Everything is fine."

"Amanda," Olivia whispered. She kept her distance from the younger detective. "Amanda."

"It's fine," Amanda repeated. "It's fine. I'm fine. Just leave me alone. Please."

"I can't do that right now, honey," Olivia said. She had begun talking in her voice that she used around the young and petrified victims. "You know I can't do that."

"Please," Amanda croaked looking over to Liv while tears streamed down her eyes.

Olivia shook her head and slowly scooted next to Amanda. Olivia moved her arm out and began running her fingers through Amanda's blonde hair. Olivia kept doing this for a few minutes as the younger detective shook overwhelmed by sobs.

"Amanda, sweety," Olivia started. "I don't mean to scare you. I'm just trying to look out for you."

Olivia got no response from Amanda and moved some of the blonde's hair behind her ear and slowly moved in and placed a kiss on Amanda's crown. Not expecting it, Amanda leaned in towards Olivia. Olivia wrapped her arms around Amanda again, and let the young detective cry for a little.

"Shhh. Your safe. I've got you," Olivia murmured. "I don't mean to scare you right now. I just need to see the cuts. I need to make sure they get the right medical attention."

Amanda was practically limp in Olivia's arms and knew there was no way she would be able to get away with her superior examining her cuts. Amanda nodded and pulled her head back to look Olivia in the eyes. Olivia's heart broke seeing the deportation and pain in Amanda's eyes. Olivia brushed a few of Amanda's tears off of her cheek and slowly lowered her arm to the bottom of the sweatshirt. Amanda closed her eyes and buried her head against Oliva. Olivia slowly pulled up Amanda's sweatshirt.

"Oh Amanda," Olivia gasped upon seeing the three fresh cuts. Olivia's eyes were watering and she wrapped her arms as tight as ever around Amanda. For the next five minutes they sat there until they had both calmed down.

"Amanda," Olivia started, "I need to clean your cuts up.. Do you have a first aid kit around?"

"Yeah it's in the bathroom," Amanda sniffed, "But I can clean it up myself."

"I know you can, but it would reassure me if I did it," Olivia said.

Amanda smiled slightly realizing Olivia really did care, "Okay. Can we do it now and just get it over with?"

"Of course," Olivia replied.


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia slowly shifted Amanda away from her and stood up. She offered a hand to Amanda and pulled the detective up from the couch. Olivia let Amanda lead the way and when they got there, Amanda hesitantly pulled the first aid kit out from under the sink.

"Do you think you could hop up onto the counter?" Olivia asked getting a response from Amanda who rolled her eyes, jumped up, and slightly winced from the pain. "Thank you. The light is good here which is helpful."

"How old are you?" Amanda said back.

Olivia bit her tongue so she wouldn't say anything back; knowing the attitude from the younger detective was just her being defensive because she was uncomfortable. Olivia grabbed a clean rang and ran some warm water on it before carefully cleaning off the cut. She then pulled out the saline solution and gauze to wash the cuts off. Amanda winced slightly at the sting.

"Sorry," Olivia said. "I have to do this."

"I know," Amanda said back defensively.

Olivia carefully now looked at the cuts, "Amanda, I want to butterfly them just because the skin moves around a lot so I want to make sure it heals.

"Go ahead," Amanda said while rolling her eyes. She must look pathetic; her boss cleaning her mess up like she was a little kid.

Olivia soon finished up, "There all set. Those should heal fairly well." Olivia got no response from the blonde. "Want to talk about it."

"Not really," Amanda said with a shrug.

"Well, I think you should with someone soon," Olivia suggested.

Amanda shrugged again, "I'm kinda tired. I think I might go to bed. You can head home now. I'm sure you need to get home to Noah."

"You can't get rid of me that easily, Rollins," Olivia said in her boss tone jokingly. "Noah has a sitter. I'll take the couch."

Amanda nodded feeling a little trapped, "Suit yourself."

The two walked out of the bathroom and Amanda headed over to her room with Olivia behind her. Amanda turned around awkwardly with her thumbs hitched onto the rim of her pants.

"Um, thanks, Liv," Amanda said quickly. Amanda leaned in and gave Olivia a quick hug.

Olivia wrapped her arms around the blonde, "Anytime."

Amanda pulled back and headed to her bed; which Franny was already in, and pulled the covers over herself. Olivia stood leaning against the doorframe with her lips pressed together with a look of solitude.

"I'll be right here if you need anything," Oliva said flicking off the light.

Later on that night, Olivia woke to sounds coming from Amanda's room. Amanda was calling out and talking in what sounded like pain and she could hear Franny whining. Olivia got up quickly; all too familiar with what was going on from personal experience, and quickly headed into the room.

"Get off me," Amanda was pleading, "Please. I promise to do what you say. Please just stop."

Olivia looked at Amanda who was clenched up in what looked like pain. Franny was standing on the bed eagerly trying to do something to help her owner. Olivia moved onto the bed and reached out and grasped Amanda's shoulders.

"Amanda?" Olivia said softly, but the blonde kept struggling against Olivia's grasp, "Amanda. Wake up. Amanda. Amanda, it's okay."

Amanda's eyes flashed open, "Get off of me. Stay away. Please. Patton please. Stop."

Olivia put her hands up and backed away a little bit, "Okay. I'm doing that. Amanda, it's me, Liv."

Amanda looked around confused and once she saw Franny she calmed down but then frantically she started talking, "What are you doing here Liv? How did you get into my apartment? Did you get Patton away. He was attacking me. I begged for him to stop but he wouldn't."

"Amanda," Olivia said slowly, "You were having a nightmare. Patton is locked away. He can't get away."

Amanda looked at Olivia with a confused look, but slowly started remembering what had happened. She clovered her face with her hands and began to cry.

"Hey, Amanda," Olivia started but didn't get a response. "Amanda, you're one can get to you right now. I won't let that happen. I promise. I promise to not let that happen.I swear. You're safe."

Amanda kept her face covered refusing to look at Olivia. Olivia reached out her hand and began running her fingers through the blonde's messy hair. Eventually Amanda looked up at Olivia and gave a soft chuckle.

"You probably think I'm crazy now," Amanda said.

"Why would I think that?" Olivia asked tilting her head to the side.

"Because of this," Amanda said. "I get it if you want to fire me."

"Amanda I don't think you're crazy," Olivia said sympathetically. "I wouldn't think that. And I certainly won't fire you." Olivia sighed. "This is perfectly normal what you are going through. The same thing happened with me. It happened a lot. I still have nightmares about everything. It's hard, but it will get better."

"But I was fine," Amanda said. "Nothing went on. I was completely fine. Why did it happen now? Why, Liv?"

"It was brought back into your life," Olivia said in her most caring tone. "You had to face the man that did all of this to you; and you did such a great job. I am so proud of you. I expected you to react like this. I would be scared if you didn't.'

"But, still," Amanda said. "I should be able to not let it affect me. I see this stuff daily."

"Amanda," Olivia chuckled, "I get it,but this was personal. I have dealt with it. It's totally okay to let this happen."

"No it isn't," Amanda started to cry again.

Olivia reached out her hands and cupped the blonde's face, "It is normal. I hated to admit it when it happened to me, but I forced myself to fight through. I argued I fine. I told all of you I was fine. You guys didn't believe me for one second. Remember that? I still have my job and I am doing better. I know you will. Trust me. You might want to take one or two weeks off and just relax, but I have no intention on taking your job away. I promise."

"Thanks, Liv," Amanda said. "I should try to get back to sleep."

"Okay," Olivia said with a smile.

"I'll see you in the morning," Amanda said.

Olivia got up and placed a kiss on Amanda's forehead, "Sleep well."

Amanda awoke in the morning and groggily walked out into the apartment to find Olivia sitting on a chair at the table drinking a cup of coffee.

"Morn'n," Amanda said and she rubbed her eyes.

"Good morning," Olivia said. "I was gonna make some eggs and toast for breakfast. Does that sound fine."

"Yeah," Amanda yawned. "Thanks."

The two ate quietly; Olivia sensing that Amanda did not really want to talk.

Finally, Olivia broke the silence, "I called Dr. Lindstrom this morning. He would like you to come in today." Amanda looked up with a glare. "This isn't up for debate. I can go with you if you want, but I'll will wait in the waiting room so you can have some privacy."

"Fine," Amanda said. "I mean, you don't need to come with me. You should go to work."

"Amanda," Olivia began, "Would you feel more comfortable if I came with you?"

Amanda hesitated but eventually nodded.

"Then I will come," Olivia said.


	5. Chapter 5

Olivia led Amanda up the stairs to the office. Amanda had been rather quiet the rest of the morning as the two went over to Olivia's apartment so she could change before heading to Dr. Lindstrom's office. Olivia opened the door to the waiting room and let the younger detective walk in first. Olivia saw the Amanda hesitate, so Olivia sat down and patted the spot next to her for Amanda to sit. After a few minutes of waiting, Dr. Lindstrom emerged from his office.

Olivia stood up shaking Dr. Lindstrom's hand, "Hi, Peter."

"Nice to see you, Olivia," Dr. Lindstrom said and then looking past to see Amanda with her shoulders raised and head hanging low. "And you must be Amanda."

Amanda nodded and reached out a hand, "Yes. I'm Amanda Rollins."

"Nice meeting you," Dr. Lindstrom said. "Should we go on in."

"I guess," Amanda shrugged giving a look towards Olivia.

"I'll be waiting right outside," Olivia smiled; giving Amanda's shoulder a squeeze.

"So Amanda," Dr. Lindstrom started, "I have heard a little about you from Olivia, but of course I would like to hear everything from you."

Amanda shrugged, "I grew up with parents who didn't exactly watch out or were really present, I raised my sister; who is always in trouble and tried to frame me for murder, I had an issue with gambling but I attend meetings, I had a chief who rapped me because otherwise he would have gone and put my sister away, and now he is in jail. It's all over and I'm fine."

"Amanda," Dr. Lindstrom started, "Stuff like this can be very traumatizing. It's okay to be feeling-"

"I'm not feeling anything about it," Amanda said. "It's all over. I just want to get back to my normal business."

"Your work," Lindstrom started, "You see victims all the time who are traumatized. What would you tell them?"

"They will get through it," Amanda said, "It will take time and will be hard. They should see a therapist to work on the issues they have."

"And are you an exception?" Lindstrom asked.

"I delt with it," Amanda said.

"By burying it," Linstrom suggested. "Amanda, you seem to be pushing it away; which worries me. Trying to hold it down for all of these years isn't helpful."

Amanda rolled her eyes, "But it worked."

"Well from I have heard, know, and see," Lindstrom said, "it never works. It's better to face them and talk about them. You learn to work through them and cope with everything."

"I can do that on my own," Amanda said.

Lindstrom chuckled, "You sound just like Olivia when she first came here."

Amanda arched her eyes, "I guess. People say I'm like her."

"So what is really going on?" Lindstrom asked.

"Um...," Amanda thought fighting the urge to back away, "I guess I keep having flashbacks to it and nightmares."

"How often do they happen?" Lindstrom asked.

"I don't know," Amanda said. "NIghtmares are like every other night, and the flashbacks aren't exactly consistent."

Lindstrom nodded, "Any thoughts or actions of self harm or suicide?"

Amanda froze. She didn't want to say. She was scared. "Can Olivia come in?"

"Yes, if you want," Linstrom said.

Amanda nodded. Lindstrom got up and walked to the door.

Olivia looked up to see Lindstrom at the door, "Is everything okay?"

"Amanda asked if you could come in," Lindstrom said.

Olivia nodded looking Lindstrom in the eyes; both of them knowing what was gonna be talked about. Amanda was frozen on the couch with her eyes looking blankly ahead. Olivia went over and sat down next to Amanda.

"So Amanda," Lindstrom started, "I was asking you if you had any thoughts or actions of self harm or suicide?"

Amanda looked up and over to Olivia; who gave her a reassuring nod, "Yes. Well not suicidal. Um, I had thought I guess of self harm, but I would never act upon them. Yesterday, I freaked out and didn't even feel like I was in body and did something."

"Okay," Lindstrom said. "When you say you felt out of body, what do you mean?"

"It was like," Amanda started, "Well, I was by the sink a work and it felt like someone was on my body. I looked into the mirror and saw Patton on top of me. I blinked and he wasn't there. It was strange. I felt like I was almost watching myself and then I pulled my switch blade out and I don't know, my shirt was up a little because I had slid to the floor, and then I remember looking in the mirror and seeing what I had done. It felt weird. At first, it felt in a way relieving, but then i was freaking out about what I did. I didn't want to do it. I swear."

"I believe you," Lindstrom said. "And did you take care of the cuts?"

"Yeah," Amanda said. "Liv cleaned them up last night."

"So you told her?" Lindstrom asked.

Amanda looked to Olivia and Olivia spoke up, "No. Her shirt came up and I saw them. She didn't really resist me helping and cleaning them up."

Lindstrom nodded, "Well that's good. Amanda, I know this is personal, but did you ever have an issue with cutting or other self harm?'

Amanda could see Olivia looking really concerned and Amanda looked up to the ceiling as her eyes became glossy, "Yes. When I was a teenager. It was getting hard. My dad was drinking and gambling, my mom was out of the picture, and my baby sister had begun getting in trouble with drugs and stuff. It was just rough so I did that. I'm not really proud of it. I stopped pretty soon. Figured I wouldn't get anywhere doing it. So yeah, I really didn't want to."

"Amanda," Lindstrom said. "I am very glad you told me recomendation would be that you take some time off from work to focus on this. I think it will be important to go to therapy on a regular basis right now. I would be happy to work with you."

Amanda nodded, "I guess I can do that."

"Well, I think that is all for today," Lindstrom said. "It was nice getting to meet you and get to know you a little Amanda."

"Yep," Amanda said. "Nice meeting you."

"I will be in contact about setting up another appointment," Lindstrom said.

"Okay," Amanda said walking over to the door. "Bye."

"Bye, Amanda," Lindstrom replied. "Nice seeing you, Olivia."

Amanda let a long breath out as they started walking down the street, "Liv? Can you not mention anything I said in there to anyone in the department?"

"I would never do that," Olivia said. "You know, I am really proud of you."

Amanda gave a nod without looking at Olivia.

"I really am," Olivia said. "You really took a big step. That's really hard to do."

"Thanks," Amanda said. "I'm glad you forced me to go do that. I think I will see him and take a little time off from work."

"Good," Olivia said. "I think that is a great plan."

"But I will still come and hang out with the team," Amanda said.

"If you didn't the boys would go crazy," Olivia laughed. "And I will of course miss having you around."

Amanda's face scrunch up with a confused look.

"You're the only other woman in the squad," Olivia said. "You are also an amazing detective."

Amanda smiled, "I always thought you thought nothing of me."

"Nope," Olivia smiled back. "I'm not good at showing it; and probably because I was too busy watching you to try to keep you out all the trouble I got into when I was your age on the job."

"Well," Amanda said. "Thanks. You're the best boss I've had. I look up to you a lot."

"I remember when you first got here and started talking to me," Olivia said. "I was awful to you and Carisi."

They both sighed before Amanda continued, "I think I'm gonna go hang out with Franny Mae for the rest of today."

"That sounds like a good plan," Olivia said. "I should go check in at the precinct. I know I'm not the first person you would think to call if you need anything, but call me if you need anything."

"You're not the last person, Liv," Amanda replied. "Well, not anymore. Thanks for everything."

Olivia pulled Amanda in for a quick hug and whispered, "Always. You're family."

Amanda and Olivia headed their separate ways. Amanda smiled realizing she had friend. She always wondered if Olivia cared. She did. Amanda knew that now. The two had always just put forward the front of being tough and not caring just because they didn't really know how.

It was the evening and Olivia was putting Noah to bed when her phone rang. Olivia set Noah down and looked down to see it was Amanda calling.

"Rollins, I mean Amanda," Olivia said quickly. "Old habit. Are you okay?"

"Yep," Amanda replied sounding really tired. "I was wondering if I could meet you for coffee tomorrow?"

"Yes of course," Olivia respond. "The normal place?"

"Yep," Amanda replied. "Well, goodnight."

"Goodnight, Amanda," Olivia replied. "Try to get some sleep. See you tomorrow."

"Hi, Amanda," Olivia said and she walked up behind the blonde. "You look tired."

"Sleep was rough," Amanda replied. "Franny was there for me."

"Thank god for Franny," Olivia replied.

The two got their coffee and started walking down the busy streets.

"So," Amanda started, "I found this 10 day program out in California for victims of abuse, sexual assault and rape, and have addiction problems. It's in nature and also near the beach. It's supposed to help start the process. They allow and encourage you to bring your pets; and I know Franny would enjoy it, so I think I'm gonna go. It starts in a few days."

"That sounds great, Amanda," Olivia said filled with pride and joy for the young detective. "I think that will be really nice."

"Yeah," Amanda said. "I've never made it to California and they take away your electronics; unless you really need to use it, so I think it will be a nice break."

"I think it will, too," Olivia agreed.

"Yeah," Amanda sighed. "I just wanted to let you know. I want to come back to work when I get back."

"I think we can make that work," Olivia responded. "I'm really happy you are taking these steps. I mean it. It's hard."

"It sure is," Amanda replied. "I'm lucky I have you and the team."

"You are lucky you are stubborn and resilient," Olivia added, "You fight back and don't give up. It's a good trait. Just sometimes can make you a pain in the ass."

Amanda laughed, "Sorry about it."

"You should have seen the havoc I caused in the beginning," Olivia chuckled. "I was hell."

"Really?" Amanda questioned.

"I'm surprised Finn hasn't told you any stories," Olivia smirked.

"He has mentioned it," Amanda replied honestly.

Olivia's phone rang, "Speak of the devil. Hello, Finn...Yep, be there as soon as I can."

"The job calls," Amanda smirked.

"Yes it does," Olivia sighed. "Well, have a great time. Start making peace with everything. I know you can. Text me when you land. I will see you when you get back."

"I will," Amanda replied. "Give the boys a hug from me."

"I will," Olivia chuckled. "And don't worry about them. They are grown men. Even Carisi." Olivia looked at Amanda sincerely. "Please take care."

"You too," Amanda replied. "Thank you."

Olivia pulled Amanda into a hug and held her for awhile. They smiled at each other before turning and heading off in their own direction.


	6. Chapter 6

"Damn. It's been boring here without Rollins around," Carisi chuckled taking a sip of beer.

"Oh yeah," Fin said next to him. "We lost our girl."

"Hey," Olivia said. "I'm here."

"Yeah we know," Carisi said. "Sorry Serge. Just not the same. No offense."

The three of them sat at a bar. It had been a rough past week of work with new hard cases. With Amanda not around, they had realized the amount of work that she actually did for them. The debate over who had to search the internet and databases had become a battle to the death between Fin and Carisi. The boys continued with their regular adventures to the bars after the hard work days. Olivia never joined them; which wasn't unusual, and would head home to finish working on papers and join Noah. For Carisi and Fin, the easy way to end the day would be to just go out for a drink and talk it off with laughing on the side. Olivia was now past that, and would want the closeness of her son; just cuddle on the couch with a child who had no idea about the darkness in the world. That was why this night was unusual for the boys. Why would their boss join them? Even though Fin was older than Olivia, he still enjoyed the fun. After the long week, Fin had asked Carisi to go watch the game at their favorite bar. Olivia jumped in saying she needed a break with a sitter watch her young son. Fin and Carisi were laughing and joking with Olivia the whole way their. Carisi, being Carisi, pushing it a little too far to where Olivia had threatened desk duty. She would have never followed through with it being short a detective; Fin knew that, and Olivia and Fin smiled at each other as Carisi shut up.

"Jeez," Carisi started, "Amanda is really missing out. Look at all the loners she could be messing with tonight."

"What?" Olivia asked realizing how little she knew about the lives of her coworkers after getting a child.

"Well," Fin began. "You know Amanda."

Olivia stared back with a confused blank look.

"She's attractive," Carisi stated in normal-bold Carisi fashion.

"Okay yeah, kid," Fin said, "Well yeah. So there are always guys that will hit on her and buy drinks for her. Sometimes she talks up enough or even just looks over and a guy gives her a drink. We'll just step over by her, yah know."

"Yeah I know," Olivia said. "You guys are like brothers to her."

"Yeah so," Fin continued, "We just walk over and will just freak the guys out."

"You should see their faces," Carisi said.

"Come on guys," Olivia said, "You really do that?"

"Its practice for undercover work," Fin said quickly.

"Yeah why do you think we always pass off," Carisi added.

"Well good to now know its not from those high school drama classes," Olivia said.

"Come on, Liv," Fin said. "Do I even have to remind you of all those days we had."

"What?" Carisi said amused.

"You thought Amanda was good," Fin said turning to the younger detective.

"Good at what?" a familiar voice said from behind them.

Fin and Carisi turned around simultaneously yelling out versions of, "Amanda, you're back."

"Good to see you kid," Fin said wrapping an arm around Amanda and patting her back.

"Yeah," Carisi said pulling Amanda in for a bear hug. "I missed having you around."

"So what were you saying I about me?" Amanda asked with a smirk on her face.

"That I was better than you when I was your age at leading on the guys," Olivia said from behind.

"Liv," Amanda said turning to face Olivia; unsure about whether or not to hug her.

"Hey," Olivia said while rubbing Amanda's shoulder. "Glad to see you."

"Yeah," Amanda said a little uncomfortably; still not used to the fact her boss was actually acting like a friend.

"Well let's all have a drink," Liv said. "It's been a long week."

"Hard case?" Amanda asked.

"Oh yeah," the boys said at the same time.

"What was it?" Amanda asked.

"I don't think we should talk about that, Rollins," Olivia said. "You just got back and it's a night out."

Amanda gave a little huff of attitude like normal, but quickly realized Olivia was right, "Okay yeah."

"I see lots of guys you could mess with," Carisi laughed.

"So many," Fin added.

"Yeah," Amanda said her face going cold and blank. "Maybe not tonight. Sorry guys."

"Awww, come on," Carisi said.

"She said 'no'," Olivia spoke up.

Amanda looked over to Olivia who's eyes were full of concerned as she looked across Amanda; trying to read to make sure she was okay. Amanda gave a quick soft smile to Olivia who got the message. Amanda realized the Olivia hadn't told the Carisi and Fin all the details of what was going on with Amanda. It was nice know, but the insensitivity the boys were showing was making Amanda more and more uncomfortable. They all got drinks and watched the game on tv while talking it up loudly with one another. Amanda was laughing loudly like normal, but Liv couldn't help but to notice how Amanda was tense and kept looking over her shoulder and then glancing around to make sure Olivia was still there. The game ended.

"I'm sticking around," Carisi said, "they are switching over to the other game."

"Me too," Fin said. "Amanda?"

"I think I'm gonna head out actually," Amanda said.

"Come on," Carisi said. "We haven't seen you in a while."

"It's been a long day and I'm tired," Amanda said; which wasn't a total lie.

"Yeah," Olivia said. "Me too."

"Well see you two. Nice being together," Fin replied finally picking up some of what Amanda's body language was saying.

Amanda; as quickly as possible, threw on her coat and headed out with Olivia trailing behind her. Amanda threw herself outside and into the cool air. It hit her skin, cooling down what felt like a fire blazing inside of her.

"Hey, Amanda," Olivia catching up.

"Hi," Amanda said turning around to face Olivia with wide eyes.

Olivia pulled Amanda against her, "You did well in there."

"Yeah," Amanda said. "I don't know."

"It's nice having you back," Olivia said pulling back and rubbing the sides of Amanda's arms.

"Um, Liv?" Amanda asked. "I was wondering if…"

Amanda froze not used to asking for things, but Olivia knew where she was going and spoke up, "Do you want me to come over and talk?"

"Um...yeah," Amanda said back sheepish smile. "I mean you have Noah."

"I have a sitter until twelve and it's only ten," Olivia smiled. "Come on."

They made it back to Amanda's apartment that was quiet. Franny was still over at a dog watchers place leaving the two women alone. Amanda stood awkwardly in the entrance after taking off her coat. Olivia noticed and headed over to the couch and sat down in one corner as Amanda followed taking the other corner.

"Yeah," Amanda chuckled awkwardly, "I really didn't last long in that bar."

"Hey," Olivia said. "You did amazing. Sorry the boys were a little insensitive. I didn't tell them anything too much because I didn't want to hurt you in any way."

"Thanks," Amanda said quietly. "I am doing better tho."

"Good," Olivia replied. "I'm happy to hear that."

"I mean it's not perfect, but it's something," Amanda replied. "I think I am ready to come back to work."

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," Amanda said quickly. "You came back quickly after Lewis."

Olivia's face went cold.

"I'm sorry," Amanda stuttered. "I shouldn't have said that."

"No, you're right," Olivia said looking up and over at the blonde; her eyes full of concern and sorrow. "I did come back rather quickly and sometimes I think that was a bad choice."

"I think I can, Live," Amanda said confidently. "I like work. It's distracting and keeps me busy. I am suppose to do that."

"I know," Olivia reassured her. "I know. It's just our work...it isn't exactly far away from what happened to you. To us. It isn't easy."

Amanda rocked her head back and forth, "I know. Can I try?"

"I'll allow it," Olivia smiled and opened her arms.

Amanda scooted across the couch and into Olivia's embrace, "It's nice to be back."

"Yes it is," Olivia smiled ruffling Amanda's hair. "It's been strange not having another female detective around."

"I don't know how you did it all those year," Amanda said. Amanda could feel her body relaxing to Olivia's soft touch. She felt safe.

"Well we had a female DA for a long time," Liv chuckled. "And I was young like you. Just fit in. Hung out with the guys. Elliot and I were very close."

"I'm sorry he left you so suddenly," Amanda said still resting her head on Olivia's shoulder.

"It was a bit rough," Olivia said honestly with a sigh. "I might have been for the best."

Amanda pulled back and looked Olivia straight in the face with a look of confusion.

"We were dangerously close," Oliva said shaking her head to the her hair out of her face. "At times it only caused trouble. We had each others backs to the point where we bought lie and cover for each other. Do you know how many times Cragen had to pull us into the office - or really just anywhere- would scold us?"

"Probably not as many times you have at me," Amanda mumbled.

Olivia glared at her and could see Amanda's eyes drawing sharp and her shoulders pulling up tight, but decided to continue,"Well, it was a lot. One time he had us each evaluated to see how deep our connection was and if it was safe."

"Wow," Amanda chuckled as her body was growing ridged and walls shot up around her, "and Brass still manages to like you. So it can't be that hard."

Olivia couldn't ignore the comment that time and snapped back, "Amanda I don't hate you."

"Well sometimes you sure make it look like it," Amanda snapped back. "You come after me all the time in the field, precinct, and office."

"Amanda," Olivia said shocked by the outburst and how Amanda's behavior had changed so quickly within minutes, "I don't do it that often."

"Oh please," Amanda chuckled as her eyes drew into a piercing glare, "You do it all the time. Even Carisi noticed he doesn't get in trouble as much."

"Amanda-" Olivia started but was abruptly cut off by Amanda.

"I'm actually really tired," Amanda started getting up off the couch and heading over to her door. "I think you should probably leave. We both have to get up early tomorrow to work."

Olivia didn't want to push the blonde; and as much as she wanted to talk more, got up and headed to the door, "Okay Amanda. If that's what you want. I'll see you tomorrow."

Amanda opened the door as Olivia threw her coat on and quickly walked out. How hard was it gonna be to get Amanda to trust her? Olivia knew lots of this was her fault, but Amanda was also just so stubborn. Olivia with a huff paused as she stepped out of the apartment and started walking down the stairs. Amanda had closed the door quickly and slid down against the door until she was sitting in a ball on the floor. She drew her hands over her face. She hadn't meant to act out like that. Bosses always had made her uncomfortable. Maybe just being close to anyone had. Amanda had just shut out Olivia and shot back anything that could have hurt her; like normal. Yes, it was something that bothered Amanda a lot. Olivia had always been tough on her. Making sure everything was done perfectly in line. Amanda knew it was not always appropriate, but did appreciate how her boss had pushed her and taught her more about being a better detective. Olivia was one of the main reasons why Amanda had so quickly jumped when she saw the spot open. Olivia, and Patton. Now both were so present in her life. Both her bosses. So different from one another. Amanda knew lots of how she had pissed off Olivia had been her own fault. Every time Olivia would mention anything or say anything to Amanda, Amanda would try to find the most stubborn and snotty thing to say back. She had been thinking more and more about it. Maybe it was just her way of trying to distant and protect herself from the person with power over her. Had Patton made her feel like she had to act and do that? To push people away. Amanda's head began to race as she realized what was happening. Amanda brought her knees up to her chin and wrapped her arms tightly around her knees and rocked back and forth. She could feel blood in her mouth, and quickly realized her teeth were digging into her lip. Amanda's phone was only an arm's length away as she contemplated picking it up to call Olivia. The older detective wouldn't have gotten too far away in the short time. Amanda sat there with her phone open up to Olivia's name. She paced back and forth from her bedroom to the living room; but moments later, her phone hit the bed as Amanda sighed and walked into the bathroom with the sound of the shower hitting like teeth against the tub.


	7. Chapter 7

"Where is Rollins?" Olivia asked as she stormed through the squadroom with her glasses perched on her nose.

"Come on, Liv," Fin said turning around in his desk chair. "It's her first day back and she is only ten minutes late."

"Yeah," Olivia said. "And she is back on work."

"Sorry boss," Carisi said as he walked into the squad room.

"Carisi," Olivia sighed, "Try harder to be on time."

"Hi guys," Amanda said hurrying into the room. "It took longer than I thought it would take to grab Frannie. I had to bring her along here, but you know her. She will just sleep under my desk all day."

"Rollins," Olivia said. "You are late and brought a dog?"

"Yeah sorry," Amanda said back glaring at Olivia.

"Just take desk duty this morning," Olivia said back harshly. "You are back working now. You need to be on time and put together."

Amanda nodded with a glare, "Come on Frannie. Over here."

"Is everything good between you two?" Fin asked concerned.

"Yep," Amanda said back glancing over to Olivia's office door, "Everything is just normal."

"Okay then, 'Manda," Fin said knowing something was off. It was different than the normal banter between them.

"Jeez," Carisi said. "Liv is really off."

"She is just being her," Amanda said with a huff and she sat down on her chair and opening her laptop that had gathered some dust on it.

The team was busy looking through reports and finishing papers from the last case throughout the morning. Amanda kept focus on her laptop, and the ever so often nudges from Frannie would snap Amanda back into reality when her mind would wander off. Around noon, Olivia barged out of her office.

"Hey," Olivia said. "We've got a case. Looks like a domestic abuse case. They want us to follow up."

"Got it boss," Carisi said standing up and swinging his suit jacket on.

Amanda started to stand up, "No are on desk duty still."

"Sorry," Fin said as he pat Amanda's back as he followed Olivia out of the room.

Amanda let out a sigh as the room emptied out leaving just her and Frannie there. Amanda leaned back in the chair and hit the floor with her feet making her spin around in circles. All she wanted to do was to work. Not sit at the desk writing papers, but out in the field where she could make a difference. Stop someone, save someone, make others feel safe; unlike how she felt at the moment just sitting alone at a desk. Frannie peered up at Amanda before jumping up onto Amanda's lap.

"Woah girl," Amanda chuckled as wrapped her arms tightly around Frannie's neck and ran her hands down the dog's soft coat. Frannie leaned up and planted a wet kiss on Amanda's cheek. "What would I do without you?"

The night went by with only one nightmare for Amanda. She had stayed around the office until the others decided to also leave; except for Olivia who stayed planted at her desk. Amanda headed out with Frannie at her side. She quickly walked through the streets and back to her apartment. Each time she walked past an alley she made sure to hold on tighter to Frannie's leash. The next day was suppose to be a day off for the team.

Amanda ran around her apartment as her phone rang, "Rollins."

"Hey, Amanda," a voice said, "It's Carisi."

"Oh,hi," Amanda said.

"You sound out of breath," Carisi said his tone filled with worry.

"Oh it's nothing," Amanda said, "Just couldn't find my phone and was running around to find it."

"Good," Carisi said. "I thought something was going wrong."

Amanda huffed, "You don't have to worry about me."

"You're like family," Carisi said. "I always anyways, I was wondering if you would like want to grab coffee and maybe go for a walk. Bring Frannie."

"Yeah that sounds great," Amanda said. "Let's meet in like an hour, if that's okay with you."

"Works for me," Carisi said. "See you then."

"Bye," Amanda said hanging up the phone. "Frannie we get to go out."

Frannie perked her head up from the couch. Amanda smiled at the dog before heading to get ready. Amanda made her way out sometime later with her dog at her side. Amanda walked through the cold and busy streets to the usual meeting spot in Central Park. Amanda spotted Carisi and went over to him.

"Hey," Amanda called out.

"Hi," Carisi said pulling Amanda in for a hug.

Amanda tensed up and Frannie sensed it and let out a growl, "Hey Frannie. What was that? You know Carisi."

"Hey Frannie," Carisi said petting the dog that backed off and started licking Carisi's hand.

"Yeah sorry," Amanda started, "She has been super protective lately."

"Well she loves her owner," Carisi said with a smile. "Got you your usual."

"Thanks," Amanda smiled taking the coffee from Carisi, "You could have waited. I can ay for myself."

"It's no problem," Carisi smiled as they started walking into the park. "I haven't been able to do much these past few weeks for you. It's the least I could do."

Amanda smiled, "Yeah, it's been an interesting set of weeks."

"How are you holding up?" Carisi asked.

"I'm doing fine," Amanda shrugged. "I don't know. I just want to work."

"Well you need to focus on yourself first," Carisi said. "It's great helping others, but you need to first help yourself. If you do, you can then perform your best."

"Yeah I know, whatever," Amanda said. "You sound like Liv."

Carisi chuckles, "Amanda, that is like simple advice. Liv would try to reason and go in more depth."

"I know," Amanda chucked. "She has."

"So what is happening between you two?" Carisi asked.  
Amanda sighed, "I don't know. You know how she and I never really got along. Well, I don't know. She kinda came through at a bad time when things happened. I was just all messed up then and somehow just was super open and vulnerable around her. She and I got all personal and then I just went back to how I am and basically pissed her off the other night. So now I think she is just back to being mad and disappointed in me."

"Why would she ever be?" Carisi asked, glad that Amanda was talking to him.

"I don't know. I guess there are reasons in my mind," Amanda paused not wanting to talk about it more, "So whatever. What's going on with you?"

"I'm fine," Carisi said with his hands in his pockets. "Just the same old usual. My sister is having a baby soon so that's about to be interesting."

"Congrats," Amanda smiled. "Look at you becoming an uncle."

Carisi chuckled, "Oh yeah.

Just then Carisi's phone rang and he pulled it out to show Olivia's name, "Hey, boss...Oh really? I'm in the park actually right now with Amanda...That's really close to where we are... Okay we will go see what's going on...Okay, see you soon."

"What's up?" Amanda asked looking at Carisi.

"Liv just got a call saying they found a teen girl in the park," Carsi started, "Some walkers found her. Say they think she is alive, but it's cold. We are the closest. The bus is trying to get here, but they are stuck and so we should get over."

The two took off jogging to the area where people stood around.

"NYPD," Carisi called out and the two pulled out their badges and made their way through the group of people."

"The girl is right there," A woman said. "We saw her walking by, but didn't want to get any closer."

"Okay thank you," Amanda said.

Amanda and Carisi made their way closer to girl. Her legs were exposed with just her underwear on and a shirt was ripped up that lay on her body. Amanda made her way close. The girl had short pixie blonde hair that was matted against her head. Blood from multiple cuts showed around her body. Carisi followed Amanda. Amanda placed her finger's on the girl's wrist and checked for a pulse getting a weak beat.

"Hey honey," Amanda said softly, "Can you hear me. I'm Amanda."

The girl's eyelids fluttered showing blue beneath them.

"That's good," Amanda said. "I'm with the police, okay? There is an ambulance on it's way." Amanda pulled off her heavy down coat and placed it around the girl. "Yeah I'm just gonna put this around you, okay. Try to warm you up a little."

"My parents…" The girl muttered looking up with her eyes fluttering."

"Shh okay," Amanda said. "Don't worry, we will find them okay."

Carisi watched as Amanda calmly talked to the teen. He looked around and saw Liv running over with the medics, "Amanda, they are almost here."

"Okay thanks," Amanda said. She took the girl's hand, "Hey honey, help is almost here. Can you tell me your name?"

"Dawn," the girl croaked.

"Thank you," Amanda smiled.

"Hey," Olivia panted.

"She is right here," Carisi called out. "Amanda is with her."

Olivia slowly crept over to Amanda, "Hi."

The meds followed as they began to pick up and move the teen onto the stretcher.

"Her name is Dawn," Amanda said. "She has some cuts and bruises all over her body. I can't find any bottoms. She didn't say anything and I wasn't going to make her because she was so cold. I covered her with my coat just to try to shield her a little."

"Good job, Rollins," Olivia smiled. "I can take it from here. You are technically still on desk duty so how about you head home for the day and we will see you tomorrow in the office."

"But I would like to stay on this case," Amanda said starting to get angry.

"I'll think about it," Olivia said. "Right now you should go home. I mean you have Frannie, so it makes it difficult."

"Fine," Amanda said biting her lip.

"I'll ride with the Dawn," Olivia said eyeing Amanda with a serious and caring look. "Go get some rest."

"Fine," Amanda said heading off.

Carisi ran up, "Amanda."

"I get it," Amanda said. "I can't work and you can. Please send me updates."

"I will," Carisi smiled.

Amanda headed off and made her way back to her apartment. Amanda immediately threw herself down onto the couch as Frannie placed her head in Amanda's lap. Amanda pulled out her phone and stared at the screen, just waiting for it to light up. After a little Amanda was dozing off when the screen lit up.

Amanda quickly opened up the message.

 _Hey Amanda. Dawn is doing much better. They gave her some fluids and warmed her up. She is doing better, but isn't talking much yet. She seems a little hesitant to. All we got out of her is that she is 18. They cleaned up the cuts. Someone did a pretty good number to her. Liv is having them run a rape kit because it looks like she was raped. Let's hope she wasn't, but I doubt it. -Carisi_

Amanda sighed. She knew it had to have happened, but the thought of it happening to someone so young terrified her.

 _Okay. Thanks for letting me know. Keep me updated.-Amanda_

Amanda reclined against the couch as she felt the blood boiling up inside her. She sat there for a while before pulling out some leftover fried rice and went back to the couch and turned on the tv. Her phone buzzed again.

 _Hey. So they ran the kit. Signs show she was raped. We have no idea and they think the perp wore a condom so, great. We haven't been able to find the family or get a last name. They want to hold her overnight and then release her tomorrow. Fin is out with the cops looking for any evidence and around the area.-Carisi_

Amanda started to type, but for some reason couldn't find the exact words to say. Amanda stayed on the couch as the light outside started to dim. Amanda pulled a blanket around her and Frannie as they watched a movie on the TV. Soon there was a knock on the door. Amanda got up and opened the door, only to see Olivia standing there.

"I just wanted to let you know how Dawn is doing," Olivia said awkwardly in the hall and pressed her lips together. "But now that I think about it, I realize Carisi probably already told you."

"Yeah," Amanda said. "And you also could have texted me."

"Yeah I realize that," Liv said. "How are you holding up?"

"Fine," Amanda nodded blankly just wanting to be left alone.

"Well," Olivia started, "After my incent, the first case I saw was hard on me."

"Well , I'm fine," Amanda said. "Thanks for checking in, but I'm good."

"Okay then," Olivia said awkwardly and slightly worried her colleague was not fine, "See you in the morning."

"Yep," Amanda said giving a nod and closing the door. She let a sigh of relief, not wanting to be around her superior alone.


	8. Chapter 8

Amanda lay in her bed staring above at the ceiling. Her mind raced with flashbacks of Atlanta. Her first day on the job, the first time Patton called her into the office, the second, third, fourth, fifth times he assaulted her. A shiver ran through Amanda that made her bones pop and crack from the stiffness she had been in. Amanda slowly let out a breath and closed her eyes.

 _"It's all over,"_ she thought. _"I'm in New York. I'm safe. He's gone."_

Amanda turned her head and glanced at the clock on her bedside table. It read 9:06.

"Shit," Amanda groaned.

Amanda hoisted herself up and out from under her covers and waddled over into the bathroom. Her face was pale, cheekbones more prominent than before, and her eyes dark. Nothing she couldn't fix with a little makeup. Amanda quickly brushed her hair and threw on her shoes before grabbing a banana and running out the door. She hated being late and this time it was bad. Amanda realize she hadn't even checked her phone. Amanda hurried out and made her way to the subway. She took her seat as the machine started moving. There were many texts from the team.

 _5:40am Forensics has been working on the case. Pulled fibers from where they found Dawn. We got her picture out and around the area to see if anyone would recognize where she came from.-Benson_

 _6:30am Okay, Liv. Just talked to a cop who thinks they got a hit.-Fin_

 _6:35am Great. We need something because she won't say a word to anyone. She only said something to Rollins.-Benson_

 _6:45am Just got word from the hospital that they will release Dawn to us. I'll pick her up later and bring her to the precinct so we can question her._

 _7:30 Wow you guys were up early. I'll check in with forensics.-Carisi_

 _7:35 Hey Carisi. Wanna meet me? They got a hit on Dawn from a person at the front desk at the hotel. -Fin_

 _7:38 That sounds like a good idea. Anyone hear from Rollins?-Benson_

 _7:39 No. Not since I texted her last night.-Carisi_

 _7:39 Same.-Fin_

 _7:40 Okay. You two go to the hotel and see what they say. I'll stop by the lab and see what they have on the fibers they found.-Benson_

 _8:08 We are at the hotel. We talked to the manager. He says he remembered seeing her with two adult who are the parents. He is checking into finding the names and room number.-Carisi_

 _8:10 Okay thanks. If her parents are in the city and we have no files of missing persons, that may not be good.-Benson_

 _8:15 Got a name. Cheryl and Dave Galinski checked into the hotel a few days ago. We have the room number and are gonna go check it out.-Fin_

 _8:16 Thanks.-Benson_

 _8:25 We just contacted forensics. It's a mess over here. There are a few traces of blood. We will need forensics to look at this...no bodies or signs of the parents anywhere. We found a third suitcase with clothes that look like they could be Dawns'.-Carisi._

 _8:26 Oh wow. Forensics just contacted me saying they are on their way. Good work. Let's hope for the best.-Benson._

 _9:10 I'm about to head to the hospital to pick Dawn up.-Benson_

 _9:15 Okay. We have cops surfacing the surrounding area for any signs of the parents.-Fin_

Amanda finished reading the texts and checked the time. 9:25.

 _9:25 Sorry. Running behind. I'm just getting to the precinct now.-Rollins_

Amanda placed her phone into her bag and ran up the stairs and into the bright busy day. Amanda pushed her way through the busy streets and hurried up into the precinct. It was empty and Olivia's light in her office was off. Amanda hurried over to her desk and opened her laptop. She pulled up the database and began typing. Within a few minutes she heard footsteps. Amanda turned and saw Olivia. She had her arm wrapped around a small figure as she walked into the precinct. As they got closer Olivia turned her head to give a look to Amanda; one of frustration but also worry. Dawn walked close to Olivia. Amanda scanned the girl. Her eyes were blurred with fear and her hair was messy on top her head. As she walked you could see the only thing that held her legs up was the strong arm Olivia had wrapped around her. Amanda bit her lip and she watched them walk towards the conference room.

Olivia opened the door to the room and led the girl over to the couch for her to sit. Dawn quickly pulled her legs up to her chest and folded herself tight against the corner of the wall and couch. Amanda watched as Olivia ran a soft comforting hand; one that she was familiar with, over Dawn's shoulder before closing the door and heading out; leaving Dawn alone.

Amanda stood up quickly, "Sorry I was running late. It won't happen again. I pulled up files on each of the family members and I found some stuff."

"Rollins are you okay?" Olivia asked looking at the blonde detective.

"Yeah fine," Amanda nodded.

"Well your hands are shaking," Olivia pointed out.

"That must be from caffeine," Amanda lied quickly while looking down to her hands, realizing that her anxiety had spiked since the two others had arrived.

"Okay, Amanda," Olivia sighed. "Are you sure you can handle the case?"

Amanda's eyes snapped up to Olivia's use of calling her by her first name, "Yeah. I'm good."

"Okay what did you find?" Olivia asked.

They were quickly interrupted by Carisi and Fin walking through the doors.

"Guys we have a problem," Fin announced.

"Okay," Olivia said her eyebrows scrunching in concern.

The squad walked over to their work area where the board was filled with pictures and notes of what they knew about the case.

"So what's the deal?" Olivia asked.

"We got bad news," Fin started.

"Yeah. We were on our way back," Carisi paused, "They called saying they found two bodies in an alley near the hotel."

"Oh shit," Olivia whispered.

"They photo ID them as Cheryl and Dave," Fin said. "They said it looked pretty brutal, but they are still pretty positive it was them."

Amanda bit her lip and glanced over her shoulder at the girl sitting in the room.

"Um," Amanda started, "I found some info on the family. Dawn is 18, senior in highschool, no record. Dave worked in software and Cheryl ran the family owned grocery store. They are from northern Ohio, outside of Cleveland. Probably on a vacation."

"Shit," Fin groaned. "Could there be another person?"

"What do you mean?" Olivia asked.

"Well the three blood sample they found in the hotel room match to three different people with different DNA," Carisi explained.

"I know why," Amanda said. "I found when I was looking through the info, it looks like Dawn was adopted. That would explain it."

"I'll tell forensics to run the DNA found on Dawn with the ones at the hotel," Olivia said pulling out her phone and sending a text. "They haven't gotten any further results on the DNA yet on Dawn. We will know more by the evening. They are running it through the system to see if it matches anyone in are database. Rollins, was there anything on Dawn's adoption? Just curious if there is any relevance."

"It's closed," Amanda muttered. "If anything, the most I think we will know is by talking to Dawn."

"She hasn't said a word to anyone, but you," Olivia said looking towards Amanda. "Fin, Carisi: can you go to the crime scene and see if anyone saw or heard anything. Also make sure forensics is checking the security footage from the hotel. Dawn definitely saw a lot of what happened, but I don't know if we will be able to get anything out of her, but we can try."

"Okay boss," Carisi said. "We'll go head out."

"We'll let you know what we find," Fin said.

It was now just Amanda and Olivia.

"Rollins," Olivia started, "Good work. I think we should try to talk to Dawn. You were the first person she saw and said anything to. She might be willing to talk if you are there. Can you do that?"

"Yeah," Amanda gulped. "I can."

Olivia gave Amanda a sad half smiled and ran a hand down the side of Amanda's arm before turning and heading towards the room Dawn was curled up in. Amanda gulped again and shivered from the soothingness and reassurance of Olivia's touch. Amanda turned and followed her superior into the room.


	9. Chapter 9

Amanda followed Olivia into the room. Olivia sat down on the couch opposite of Dawn and Amanda took the chair on the other side. Dawn was still curled into a ball and her eyes seemed to be fixed on nothing except the fabric of the couch. Amanda looked at the girl and couldn't help to notice how her eyes were as dark and sunken in with bones showing on the teen, just like her own.

"Hey, Dawn," Olivia said quietly getting the teen to look up. "Hi. You remember Detective Rollins?"

"Hi," Amanda said softly. "You can call me Amanda."

Dawn looked over to Amanda and nodded before placing her chin on her knees. She wore an oversized NYPD sweatshirt with a pair of sweatpants.

"I know this may be hard," Olivia started, "but Amanda and I need to ask you some questions. If you can do your best to answer that would be great. If you need to stop, just say so. Do you think you could do that?"

Dawn nodded.

"Okay," Olivia asked. "We looked into your files and saw you are from Ohio. Do you know why you are here in New York?"

"Yeah," Dawn said barely audible. "I had gotten accepted into NYU and Columbia and I was here to look at the schools."

"Did you know anyone here," Dawn said with her eyes going cold with the next thing she said, "Just here with my parents."

Amanda was writing all of this down in her notes, "That's great. Do you know where you were staying?"

"Um a hotel near Central Park," Dawn muttered. "I don't know where exactly because I'm still getting used to the city. Where are my parents? Why aren't they here yet?"

Olivia looked at Amanda who gave her a look of dread. This was always the worst part of the job. Dawn was curled into the ball and was looking between Olivia and Amanda.

"Dawn, honey," Olivia started, "When we found you, we traced you back to the hotel. When we went to look in the room you were staying in we found lots of blood."

Dawn's face flashed to stone that you could almost see the reflection of the horror she was remembering.

"We looked for them," Olivia continued, "We found them, but they were not alive when we did."

"NO!" Dawn exclaimed. "No. You're lying. They can't be. I just saw them. Please. Please…"

Dawn was overcome with sobs as her body curled almost impossibly tighter. Olivia looked to Amanda; who was biting her lip, before scooting closer to Dawn. Olivia reached out her arms wrapping one around around Dawn's shoulder and other on her forearm and pulled the teen against her and into an embrace. Dawn's body shook with sobs against Olivia. Amanda watched as her superior tried calming down the traumatized girl. It took a while, but Dawn eventually pulled back. She wiped her eyes eyes more tears continued to fall. Olivia's phone started to buzz and she nodded to Amanda that she had to take it. Olivia got up and headed out leaving Amanda and Dawn alone. Amanda scooted closer handing Dawn a box of tissues and placed a comforting hand on Dawn's shoulder. Dawn looked up to Amanda with glossy eyes.

"Um," Dawn said, "Thanks for finding me yesterday."

Amanda gave a small sad smile, "You're welcome, honey."

Dawn let out a shaky breath, "Oh god. What's gonna happen?"  
"Well we are gonna figure that out," Amanda nodded. "We are gonna find the person who did this and make sure we get justice."

"And me?" Dawn asked.

Amanda paused and looked at the girl's face that was red with tears, "We'll figure it all out."

Dawn the back of her hand across her face to wipe away the tears revealing a bandage over one of the cuts that had looked like a restraining mark. Amanda closed her eyes briefly keeping herself focussed on the job.

"Um…" Dawn started, "Is there any water?"

"Yeah," Amanda nodded. "I can get you a bottle."

"Thank you," Dawn nodded.

"I'll leave you here if that's okay?" Amanda asked.

Dawn nodded. Amanda squeezed her shoulder and headed out. Amanda made her way over to the vending machine and pulled out a dollar from her wallet and put it in the machine. Amanda heard footsteps coming up behind her.

"Hey," Olivia said. "Did Dawn say anything?"

"Wondering what would happen," Amanda said tilting her head back and forth. "I told her we would handle it and get justice. She doesn't know what will you know happen to herself. No one does. She wanted a water so I'm getting her one."

"Okay," Olivia said. "That was Fin on the phone. They confirmed it's her parents. They canvassed the hotel room and have found about two different DNA sets. One matched the one found on Dawn. She is traumatized but we might be able to get her to talk."

"Yeah," Amanda nodded. "I'm afraid we could push her."

"Yeah," Olivia said. "Let's go slowly. She hasn't gotten any sleep really, so it think it might be good to try to get a statement and then see if we can get her to a hotel or somewhere where she can sleep."

"Yeah that sounds good," Amanda agreed.

The two walked back into the room where Dawn was sitting. Amanda handed Dawn the water before resuming where she had been sitting. Olivia sat down too. Dawn looked anxiously between the two of them."

"So Dawn," Olivia started, "We would like to try to get a statement from you of what happened and what you remember."

Dawn looked anxiously at them.

"Dawn," Amanda said softly, "I know this is going to be really hard, but it would be really helpful in figuring out who did this."

Dawn nodded, "I get it. I can do it."

"Okay," Olivia nodded, "So can you tell us where you were the day when this happened?"

"Umm," Dawn started ruffling her dirty blonde hair. "We had just gone on a tour and finished a day at Columbia. I really, really, really liked it. My mom and dad were proud and wanted to celebrate that I had gotten in and would be graduating high school with honors. We went out to this pizza place. You know, wanted the whole New York pizza thing. We were having a good time. None of us had ever been to NYC so it was exciting. We were walking around and stopped into a coffee shop because it was cold and we wanted a hot chocolate. We left and went to head back to the hotel. There were these two guys who were outside making comments towards people. One...um...grabbed at my coat and my dad told him to 'fuck off'. The two started following us. We made it into the hotel and told someone at the front desk about them and they told us we didn't have to worry. We went up to the room and were getting ready for bed when um…"

Dawn paused and looked up at the ceiling. Olivia placed a hand on Dawn's, "It's okay."

Dawn nodded and continued, "Well, my mom had called for room service because we needed another towel. So she went to the door. I had just gotten out of the shower and threw my shirt on when I heard her yell and my dad say something." Dawn let out a shaky breath. "Well I crawled into the shower and closed the curtain. I could hear commotion and stuff going on. And then the door opened...it all happened so fast. One of the guys from before, well he, umm...pulled me out of the shower and took me into the other room. My dad was knocked out on the bed and there was blood all over his face. It was awful. I tried to scream, but the guy covered my mouth. The other one was on top of my mother and she saw me and told me to try to run. I did, but the guy on top of her grabbed me. Um he said something like 'This is the bitch from earlier'. They were laughing. The guys pushed me down on the ground. My mom tried to get up, but they hit her. They were so rough...they just got all over me. I kept fighting, but they just hit me or would do whatever. I don't remember what happened next. I just remember blacking out and the next thing I remember was you next to me in the park."

Dawn started to sob again and Olivia rubbed her shoulder, "That was very brave of you. You did a great job. Thank you."

"Dawn," Amanda continued. "The guys. Can you tell us anything about them. Like what they looked like."

"Yeah um," Dawn said between huffs, "One was white, tall, brown hair, I think he had blue eyes. I am not so sure. I closed my eyes a lot. The other looked hispanic, and was shorter. He was the one I think went after my dad and mom. I don't remember too much of what he looked like more than that."

"Thank you," Amanda smiled.

"Dawn," Olivia started, "I have to ask this; but I saw you were adopted. I was wondering what you know about that. It's closed so we can't get it opened easily and just want to make sure there is no connection between the two."

"Yeah," Dawn said with a yawn. "I don't know much. Like you said, it's closed. My parents got me from somewhere in the south. They didn't talk about it. Didn't like people to know and stuff. I never really had an interest. I passed off well enough as their biological child."

"Okay," Amanda nodded. "Do you have any family we could contact about you being here?"

Dawn started to cry, "No. Not anyone I know. Oh god. Yeah, my grandparents are all dead and my parents were only kids."

"Okay," Olivia said with a sigh; knowing this would make this so complicated, "You've done so well."

Dawn pulled her knees up to her chest, "So what's gonna happen?"

"Well," Olivia started, "since it's an ongoing case, it would be best if you stay here in NYC. We can put you up in a hotel nearby for now. We will have an officer outside your door. No one will be able to get to you without going through us. Does that sound okay?"

"There isn't really another option," Dawn chuckled sarcastically; still crying.

"Okay," Amanda said. "We can have someone come get you now if you want."

"Yeah," Dawn nodded.

Within twenty minutes Dawn was on her way and Carisi and Fin had made it back. The team gathered where they were meeting. Olivia was hunched over with her hands on the table, Carisi walking around up front, Amanda sitting straight in a chair, and Fin lounging back. Just then more footsteps came up from behind them.

"So what do we have?" Barba asked firmly.

"Family on a trip visiting schools," Olivia started, "The parents were murdered, daughter assaulted and raped in the hotel room. The daughter is eighteen and was found in Central Park. Parents were found deceased in an ally. The DNA and Dawn's statements alleging saying that there were two men who followed them, got into the room, and then continued to assault them and dispose of the bodies."

"Anything else?" Barba asked.

"We aren't entirely sure how the men found out which room was theirs," Fin started, "We have them inside a back service entrance around 10:45pm. The next we have them is in the elevator."

"Yeah," Carisi continued, "They were smart and covered their faces in enough shadow to make it hard to identify them. So far the workers there say they saw nothing."

"So basically we have two men on the loose with no way to ID them?" Barba sneered.

"Well actually," Amanda started, "Dawn was able to give a brief description of what they looked like. And we have DNA."

"Where is Dawn?" Barba asked.

"She is at a hotel we put her up at," Amanda said. "She is extremely traumatized and hasn't slept much at all. She is fully cooperating."

"Okay, well that's good at least," Barba sighed. "Keep looking and keep me in touch. Glad to see you are back Amanda."

Amanda gave a quick smile and Barba headed out of the area.

"Okay," Olivia started. "Rollins, can you pull up all the workers at the hotel and start checking the backgrounds of those there."

"Yeah," Amanda responded.

"Fin and Carisi," Olivia said, "We got the name of the coffee shop where the men first started following the family. Apparently they were out there for a while. Could you go see if anyone working right around there has any information on the men."

"Okay, no problem, Liv," Fin said getting up out of his chair.

"Be back as soon as possible, boss," Carisi added.

The squad continued working. Olivia taking calls that came in and keeping up with what forensics had to offer. Amanda sat at her desk quickly reading and searching names. A few coming up as something to follow. Carisi and Fin were back within two hours with no luck from anyone except for the common 'yeah we saw them'. Amanda Fin and Carisi were all looking though the hotel records now.

"Rollins," Olivia called from her office. "I need to see you now."

Amanda rolled her eyes with the sound of Olivia's tone and seeing she had just been on the phone. Amanda made her way into Olivia's office and closed the door.

Olivia looked over to Amanda with a stern look, "Rollins, I have to take you off this case."

"What," Amanda exclaimed with peircing eyes. "Why?"

"It's complicated," Olivia sighed.

"Oh sure it is," Amanda spit back. "I'm doing great on this case. The victim trusts me. You can't just take me off it."

"Well Rollins, I can," Olivia said. "And I have to."

"This is bullshit," Amanda sneered. "I am completely fine working this case. You have no right."

"Yes I do," Olivia said back trying to find a way to not anger the blonde. "Just trust me on this."

"Yeah sure," Amanda said. "And why should I? You are just trying to watch your back so it doesn't somehow affect you with what happened to me."

Amanda made her way quickly out of Olivia's office with forced.

"Hey," Fin called out as Amanda threw her coat on and bag over her shoulder, "What's going on?"

"I'm off the case," Amanda called out as she stormed out of the precinct and made her way back to her apartment.


	10. Chapter 10

Amanda trudged around her apartment. She had managed to gulp down some leftover Chinese food between the spouts of anger and then flushes of anxiety that ran through her. She was mad. The case was going well. What could have gone wrong that had gotten her taken off of the case? She didn't think Olivia was that selfish, or hated her that much. Amanda grabbed a bottle of beer from the fridge and sunk down onto the couch while flipping through channels. Soon there was a knock on her door. She was not in the mood for guests. Amanda got up and headed over to the door and opened it. Amanda glared at Olivia who stood in front of her.

"Why are you here?" Amanda spit.

"Because," Olivia started. "I need to explain."

Amanda chuckled, "Sure you do."

"Rollins," Olivia said losing her patients with the blonde, "Am I allowed in or not."

"Sure," Amanda huffed as she headed back to the couch with Olivia at the door. "You already ruined my day at work. Why not ruin it at home."

"Amanda," Olivia said switching to the first name, "I get you are mad at me. I get it. I would be too. I just need to explain this to you."

Amanda huffed.

"Amanda," Olivia continued, "Can you please just try listening to me?"

"Fine," Amanda shot back.

Olivia remained standing not feeling invited enough to sit. She was used to people giving her the shoulder. With the job she had there was always someone on both sides that wasn't happy with something.

"Well are you gonna explain?" Amanda shot out.

"Yes." Olivia said opening a file that she was carrying that Amanda hadn't bothered to notice. "I had a reason to take you off the case right now. I don't know if it will be for the full case, but I had to."

Amanda huffed again and took a sip of beer.

"We were running all of the samples we got through the system," Olivia said. "Looking for any hits. We decided to test Dawn's blood to see if by any chance she would have some relevance to who came after her. So we ran her blood. It didn't match any found at the crime scene, but it did match a sample in the system." Olivia paused and got no smirky response from Amanda. "Amanda, your DNA and your sister's DNA is in the system. I got a call this afternoon that Dawn's DNA got a familiar match with you and your sisters'."

Amanda had set down the beer and looked up to Olivia who's face was fully serious. She didn't know what she was hearing.

"Amanda," Olivia continued, deciding to sit down next to Amanda. "I had them look further into it and this is what they found. You and Dawn share the same father."

Amanda slowly took the file from Olivia in disbelief of what she was hearing. Amanda looked over the file. Sure enough, there was everything Olivia had said, but on paper. Amanda's heard was pounding, but everything felt frozen. She placed the file on the coffee table in front of her, and then covered her face with her hands.

"So I'm related to Dawn," Amanda muttered.

"Yes," Olivia said. "She is seventeen years younger than you, but yes, she is your half-sister."

"Shit," Amanda said with a sigh.

Olivia moved herself closer to Amanda and spoke, "See. It is complicated. I had to take you off. I didn't know what to do. It's really complicated."

Amanda turned and looked to Olivia with glossy eyes. Amanda then reclined against the couch and looked up towards the ceiling, "I knew my father slept around. I mean I always figured. I just never wanted to know. It was always too much."

"Hey," Olivia said placing a hand on Amanda's shoulder. "I know this is a lot, but we'll figure it out."

Amanda looked to Olivia, and without thinking; and forgetting all of the anger she had had towards her earlier, rested her head on Olivia's shoulder. Olivia reclined back against the couch and wrapped her arms around the younger detective who had become silent. Olivia could feel Amanda's breathing hitch and felt tear hitting her shirt. Olivia wrapped her arms tighter around the younger detective. Olivia closed her eyes and remembered the time when she had found out she had a half brother. Olivia pulled her head back to get a look at the blonde detective that was motionless against her.

"Amanda," Olivia said softly. "I know this is a lot. I remember when I found out I had a half brother. It drove me crazy. I just didn't know how to feel or be around him. How was I supposed to know?"

"I'm sorry I was so awful to you," Amanda said. "I mean it."

"Apology taken," Olivia responded. "I'm sorry I didn't handle this better."

Amanda shrugged, "You didn't know how. I wouldn't have known what to do either."

"Yeah," Olivia smiled. "This is crazy."

Amanda nodded against Olivia's shoulder. Olivia ran a hand through Amanda's hair and down her back. Amanda relaxed. Olivia always knew how to provide comfort in any situation at anytime. Amanda never really noticed it until now: the glances before they would go into a building. The timed nods she would give when thing were going on. The quick pat on the shoulder after a hard day. And now, just laying in Olivia's arms as all the worry and concern for the future lay head.

"So," Amanda started, "Will I have to tell Dawn?"

"I mean it's up to you," Olivia said, "But yes, I think you should. She is having a hard time and doesn't have anyone. I think it would be good."

Amanda nodded, "I'll be right back. I'm just have to use the bathroom."

Olivia released Amanda; who quickly scurried off into her room and into the bathroom. Amanda closed the door behind her and sat down on the floor against the bathtub. Amanda covered her mouth with one hand as she let out a sob. Her body shook just like how Dawn's had earlier. The victim, her very own sister. A sister she had never known about. Amanda felt her body curling into a tighter ball. She buried her head in her knees and cried. It had been about ten minutes when Amanda heard a knocking at the door.

"Hey, Amanda," Olivia said softly. "Are you okay.'

Amanda tried giving a response, but all that escaped her lips was a cry.

"Amanda, honey," Olivia said. "I'm gonna come in."

Olivia opened the door and saw amanda on the ground, "Oh, honey."

Olivia quickly sat down next to Amanda on the cold tile floor. Olivia wrapped an arm around Amanda and slid one under her knees and moved her so she was draped across Olivia's lap. Olivia felt Amanda's hand grab onto her suit jacket. Olivia stroked back Amanda's hair from her forehead and placed a kiss on her brow.

"It's all going to work out, Amanda," Olivia said quietly. "I will make sure of that."

"It's just," Amanda sobbed; the words caught in her throat, "I have a sister that I never knew about. And she...she is in so much pain. She has no one. The only family she knows she lost and then I'm just here. I know more about what she probably wonders. How she was born. How she had a shitty birth father, who was an alcoholic and couldn't care less about his kids. And how her mother couldn't care for her. Then meanwhile, I am just here. Just so confused."

"Amanda," Olivia said softly kissing Amanda's forehead again, "And maybe you sometimes feel just as alone."

Amanda nodded and pushed herself closer to Olivia.

Olivia felt it and smiled, "Don't worry. I'm not leaving. Not now, or until you ask me to. Okay?"

Amanda nodded, "Liv? How am I supposed to tell Dawn."

"I don't know," Olivia said. "Just be honest. She trusts you. This is just so surreal."

Amanda nodded as she kept herself against Olivia, not wanting to move.

"Amanda," Olivia started, "It's getting late and it's been a long day, and tomorrow is gonna be longer." Olivia paused. "I think you should try to get some sleep. You have large circles under your eyes."

"You noticed?" Amanda asked a little embarrassed.

"Yes," Olivia chuckled. "And I can stay here tonight. Don't worry about Noah. He's fine. I think you need me here more tonight than he does."

"Thanks, Liv," Amanda said her heart full of gratitude to her boss.

"How about we get off of this floor and you can get in bed?" Olivia suggested.

Amanda nodded, but not wanting to leave Olivia's side. Amanda got up with Olivia's help and made her way over to her bed.

"Hey do you have any extra shorts and tshirt?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah, here," Amanda said throwing Olivia a pair.

Olivia retreated into the bathroom and reappeared a few minutes later.

"Thanks," Olivia smiled. "I'll go take the couch."

"Liv," Amanda said, 'You've had just as long as a day as me. Come on. Just sleep here on the bed. It's a queen and there is room."

"Are you sure?" Olivia asked hesitantly.

Amanda nodded. Olivia climbed under the covers next to Amanda. Amanda flicked off the light.

"Hey, Liv?" Amanda said in the darkness.

"Ummm Uhhhh," Olivia mumbled.

"Thanks," Amanda replied. "Can we try to start this whole trying to be nice thing again. I messed up."

"Me too," Olivia chuckled and wrapped her hand around Amanda's. "Sounds like a good idea. Goodnight. Sleep well."

"You, too," Amanda replied as they both drifted asleep from the stress of the day.


	11. Chapter 11

"Hey," Amanda said groggily; wiping her eyes and looking around the room.

"Good morning," Olivia said as she looked over the rim of her glasses at the blonde.

"What time is it?" Amanda asked.

"About 7:30," Olivia replied.

"Shit," Amanda groaned. "I'm running late."

"Amanda," Olivia chuckled. "I am your boss and I am right here. Besides, I thought I would let you sleep because you had a long day yesterday."

Amanda closed her eyes remembering everything that had happened, "So what's gonna happen?"

"Well," Olivia started placing the book she was reading on her lap, "I think we should head into work. The guys are already out working on a lead. I think we will head in soon; and at some point today I think you should talk to Dawn."

"How?" Amanda asked. "How do I do that."

Amanda gave a sad smile, "When I found my half-brother, it just somehow came out. I think you will find a way."

Amanda nodded and gulped. She pulled herself up and out from under the covers; her shirt sliding up. Olivia saw the scars on Amanda's stomach from a few weeks before. Olivia closed her eyes and let out a sigh. Amanda noticed and quickly pulled down her shirt. The two got ready for the day quickly and headed out the door; grabbing a quick coffee down the street as they headed into the precinct. Amanda and Olivia made their way into the precinct and headed quickly to where Carisi and Fin were contemplating the information they had in front of them.

"Hey," Olivia called out, "What do we have?"

"We got a lead this morning and have the guy over in the room," Fin said.

"We were waiting for you guys to arrive before we questioned him," Carisi said.

"Thanks," Olivia said. "What' his deal."

"Gavin Tanks," Fin started, "27 years old. Two prior arrests. One for drug possession and one from when he was about 17 with attempted assault."

"Yeah," Carisi said, "He gave us quite the fight when we went to get him."

"Allaby for another night?" Olivia asked.

"Doesn't have a solid one," Carisi replied. "Cops placed him nearby with a credit card charge at a nearby drugstore that night. We looked at the footage and what he was wearing matches the video from the hotel. We showed a picture of his face around the coffee shop and people say he hangs out sometimes with a friend who they say looks Latino."

"Okay," Olivia nodded. "Let's go question him and try to get Dawn in here and see if she can ID him."

"Okay," Carisi said. "What's with you Amanda?"

Amanda had been dead silent and her face quickly snapped out of the lock it had been in, "Yeah. Just tired, I guess."

"Go get a cup of coffee," Fin chuckled heading off to the interrogation room; followed by Carisi.

Olivia gave a look of concern towards Amanda.

"I'm fine," Amanda said quickly and walking off after Carisi and Fin before Olivia could say anything.

Olivia entered the interrogation room with Fin as Amanda and Carisi stood behind the glass.

"So Gavin," Olivia said. "I'm Lieutenant Benson. I hear you were hanging around outside a coffee shop at the wrong time the other night."

"That's right," Gavin snarled. He had piercing green eyes and his hair was cut short.

"Well, it must just not be your day," Olivia replied. "See we found you on both the footage right down the street from where two bodies were found, and the hotel where those two victims were staying."

Gavin chuckled, "It's just a coincidence. I had nothing to do with that family."

"What do you mean by family?" Fin said from behind. "We only mentioned two victims. A couple."

"Well, they are family," Gavin snarked.

"You see though," Fin started, "in my experience, people refer to two people married as a couple. Now if there was a third, then I guess it would be a family. I guess, maybe you were just there by coincidence."

"Yeah," Gavin glared.

"Well, Gavin," Olivia smiled, "You see, we have a third person. The kid of the couple found dead. She is alive. We bring her in here and she Is you. You're done."

"I wasn't there," Gavin continued.

"Okay," Olivia nodded, "The girl is on her way."

Olivia and Fin headed out of the room and joined Amanda and Carisi. Amanda's blood was boiling and raging with the urge to go take down Gavin. Olivia placed a soft hand on Amanda's elbow to reassure the blonde everything would be okay.

"I hate that guy," Carisi spit. "Hopefully, Dawn can make that ID."

"Well, we still need to find the other guy that was on the footage," Olivia continued, "Where are we with that?"

"CSU is running it through the database still," Fin replied. "It's not much they have to work with."

Amanda had been looking out to the squad room, "Hey, Dawn's here."

"Okay," Fin said, "Let's go see if she can make an identification."

The team headed out to where Dawn was. Olivia was in the lead and approached the teen.

"Hi, Dawn," Olivia said softly. "How are you?"

Dawn shrugged. There were deep circles under the teen's eyes and it was apparent she hadn't slept well.

"Okay," Olivia smiled softly. "Dawn, we found a man who we think could have been involved. We would like to see if you could ID him with being at the scene."

"Um, yeah," Dawn said with darting eyes. "I guess I can do that. What do I need to do exactly."

"We will have a lineup of men," Amanda spoke for the first time this morning, "We would just need you to look at them and see if you can pick out the man. Do you think you can do that, sweetie?"

Dawn nodded with a gulp.

The team looked around at each other before noticing Barba walking up to them.

"Good morning," Olivia said. "Dawn, this is ADA Rafael Barba. He is going to be the one arguing this case."

Dawn nodded at him.

"I will be sure to make sure these men go away," Barba said softly.

"I think I should give you an update on the case," Olivia said pulling Barba aside, knowing she had to address the fact Dawn and Amanda were related, before Barba found out on his own.

As Olivia and Barba talked, Fin and Carisi had gone to set up the lineup. Within a few minutes, Olivia was back and leading Dawn into the room behind the glass.

"Dawn are you ready?" Olivia asked.

"Yes," Dawn peeped.

The blind opened showing a group of men all lined up. Dawn scanned the group and the team could hear her breathing hitch as her eyes focused.

"That one," Dawn sputtered. "Number four. I remember…I remember…oh god, wait. He…he-I saw him the day before at…"

Dawn started shaking and Olivia pulled the girl out and back into the main part of the office, "You did a great job."

Amanda went into the room quacking pulling Gavin out and placing him into the interrogation room. She was about to go off on him, when she remembered Dawn.

Dawn was shaking as she sat down on the couch, "He, he, he…"

Carisi and Fin were in front of Dawn and Carisi spoke, "Did you see him before?"

"Please stop, stop, stop," Dawn said freaking out at Carisi and Fin.

"We aren't going to hurt you," Fin started.

Amanda rushed into the room to witness Dawn let out a scream as her eyes flashed with panicked tears.

"Fin, Carisi," Olivia stated, "Out now."

Fin and Carisi listened to their boss and hurried out and behind the glass looking into the room. Amanda had made her way next to Dawn and placed a hand on the girl's back. Olivia gave Amanda a quick look and a nod before heading out to join Fin and Carisi.

"What's going on, Liv?" Fin asked.

Olivia looked between Fin and Carisi; and closing her eyes she said; "Just wait."

The three looked into the room where Amanda had a hand on Dawn's back and was attempting to calm the teen down. After a few minutes, Dawn was ready to talk.

"He is the guy," Dawn stuttered. "That's the one who-who hurt me and killed my parents. That's one of the guys."

"Dawn," Amanda said softly. "You said something about the guy?"

"I saw him before," Dawn spoke. "When we were touring Columbia, there was a construction crew. He was there. With this other guy. He ran into me accidentally. I dropped my nametag that was clipped on and he picked it up."

Amanda nodded at Dawn; urging her to continue.

"Um…" Dawn continued. "He must have saw my name or something. I don't know. God. That was where I wanted to go to school. I was so ready and excited. Now, how can I go. I have nothing and no one. How I am I supposed to just go on and continue with this? How? I just wanted to go there."

"Dawn," Amanda paused, "I know this is really hard. I know this seems like nothing good will ever happen again."

"I can't just go on with this," Dawn sniffed. "It was already going to be so hard coming to New York with my only family far away. And now there is no one."

Amanda closed her eyes, "Dawn, I know it seems this way."

Behind the wall Olivia had clasped her hands together and rested her chin against them. Fin and Carisi looked to Olivia and then back to what was happening.

"Dawn," Amanda said; shaking her head quickly to get the hair out of her face, "When we were looking at the case, we took blood samples from you to run in the system to see if there by any chance could be some relation to what when on with your adoption. We had seen it before so we wanted to check. When we were doing so, it did find a familiar match."

"Please," Dawn was sobbing now, "You can't let it be that guy. Just stop."

"Dawn it wasn't him," Amanda said reassuring the girl.

"Then who?" Dawn asked between tears.

"Everyone who works for the department," Amanda started, "submitted something at one point in time. We did it when we started working and then I had to even to it a second time because I was falsely convicted of a crime. When they ran it, they found a relationship to someone. Someone who was a half-sibling. I know this is crazy."

Dawn looked at Amanda confused.

Amanda let out a little chuckle as she felt tears in her own eyes, "There was a match related to me. Your father. He is my father."

Dawn's face scrunched in shock and disbelief and started shaking her head.

Amanda's eyes were starting to drain as she felt tears rolling down her cheeks. She then felt a head on her shoulder and looked down to see Dawn's head buried in the crook of her neck. Amanda wrapped her arms around Dawn and felt the teen curling close against her.

Fin and Carisi stood behind the window unsure of what they were hearing. Olivia had closed her eyes as she listened to Amanda telling the girl that was now in her arms. Olivia opened her eyes to Fin and Carisi intensely staring at her.

"I found out last night," Olivia said. "That's why I removed Amanda. I went to her apartment last night and told her."

"I can't believe this," Fin said. "Shit. This is crazy."

"You think," Carisi said staring at Amanda and Dawn; trying to pick out anything that made them look alike.

Actually, all three of them were doing that. The blonde hair, blue eyes, the classic cheekbones. Their height was quite different, but they all knew Amanda was taller than Kim by at bit, too.

Amanda was holding on to Dawn who was sobbing against Amanda. Amanda placed a hand on the Dawn's head ruffling the girl's short hair before placing a kiss on Dawn's head. After about ten minutes, Dawn pulled back and looked up at Amanda.

"How long did you know?" Dawn asked.

"Olivia told me last night," Amanda replied quietly. "I was in shock. I still am."

"Me too," Dawn sniffed. "This is bizarre. I always wondered…but I just don't even know how to feel."

"Well you should still feel upset, hurt, sad," Amanda started, "but also know that you have someone who will watch out and care for you no matter what right now. You don't have to worry about that."

Dawn quickly wrapped her arms around Amanda and Amanda returned the favor.


End file.
